waakakaka

The secret to long life

2009-04-15T09:05:00.003+07:00

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn ' t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don ' t exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing!

How old are you?"

Thirty-four," she replied.

Boss Reaction

2008-11-30T14:59:00.002+07:00

Boss Reaction After

working 3 months here...

In the begining...

Boss: Be good, you will be fine.

After a week...

Must Work Hard k?

After a month...

Must Work Hard for ME you know!!!

After a Quarter...

Can you hear me?? You must work hard!!!

TEST FOR DEMENTIA

2008-09-26T22:01:00.003+07:00

TEST FOR DEMENTIA
癡呆測試

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. Let's find out just how clever you really are.
下列有4 個問題及一個加分題，你必須立刻回答，不能花時間慢慢想，讓我們看看你有多聰明。不要偷偷看答案哦。

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
準備好，向下捲！

First Question: 第一題 :

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second place person. What position are you in?
你參加賽跑，追過第2 名，你是第幾名？

Answer 解答 :

If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If you overtake the second place person, and you take their place, you are second!

如果你的回答是第 1名，你就錯了！你如果追過第 2名，你只是取代那人的位置，你是第 2名。

Second Question第二題 :

If you are in a race, and you overtake the last person, then you are?

你參加賽跑，你追過最後一名，你是第幾名？

Answer 解答 :

If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! You're not having a good time at this! Are you?

如果你的回答是倒數第 2名，你又錯了！告訴我，你怎能追過最後一名？顯然你並未樂在其中！

Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
很詭異的算術！這只能在腦中盤算。不要使用紙與筆或計算機，試試看。

Third Question: 第三題

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. now add 10.
What is the total?

以1000 加上40，再加 1000 ，再加30，再加 1000，現在加上20，再加一次 1000，現在加上10，總數是什麼？

Answer 解答 :

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

得到 5000是嗎？正確答案是4100，不要相信，用計算機查證吧！

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

今天對你鐵定諸事不宜，或許最後一題你會答對？ Fourth Question:第四題

Fourth Question:第四題

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Mary的父親有 5個女兒，第 1個女兒 Nana，第 2個女兒 Nene，第3個女兒 Nini，第 4個女兒 Nono，第 5個女兒的名字是什麼？

Answer 解答：

Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

答案是 Nunu嗎？不！絕對不是，她的名字是 Mary，請再讀一次問題！

Okay, now the bonus round. You can partially redeem yourself with this one!!!!!
好，現在是加分題。這題可稍稍解救﹙彌補﹚你！

Bonus Question 加分題 :

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

一個啞巴想買牙刷，他模仿刷牙的動作，成功的向店主表達，也完成了購買。現在如果一個瞎子想買一副太陽眼鏡，他要如何表達？

Answer 解答：

He just has to open his mouth and ask. He's blind, not mute - so simple.

他只要張開嘴問即可。他是瞎子，不是啞巴。就這麼簡單！

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE 'SMART PEOPLE' IN YOUR LIFE
把這個傳下去，以便打擊那些你生活中遇到的「聰明人」

My First Time

2008-08-06T14:25:00.005+07:00

It was my first time ever,
And I'll never forget.

I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
We were all alone:

Just she and I.

Her hair was soft,

Her eyes were blue,

I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,

Her legs so fine,

I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best,

I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear,

My fast beating heart,

But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it,

I felt no shame;

All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished,

It's all over now.

My first time ever
At milking

Credit: SH Kwan, Laos (29Jul2008)

Car for Sale in Ireland

2008-07-30T03:07:00.003+07:00

GOOD BUY FOR WEEKEND CAR!

Car for Sale in Ireland

The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper..!

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off

Please see photo below .

below...

Credit: Thanks to Buckeng, Singapore

How did the human race appear?

2008-05-22T11:08:00.001+07:00

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

"Two days later she asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and dad says they were developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family and your father told you about his side.

Credit: Anonymous

Confession

2008-05-22T03:34:00.003+07:00

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball! "The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell em for?" The son says, "$1000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!”

THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE !

Credit/Sent by: Rich Hoe; Malaysia (10 Aug 2006)

2008-05-22T01:37:00.001+07:00

Prison Break

2008-05-21T15:42:00.003+07:00

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.

Credit: Anonymous

Salt....or Talcum Powders

2008-05-11T17:47:00.003+07:00

Salt....or Talcum Powders

This incident happened last week on the air.... Yasmin Yusof, a DJ on Radio 4 Malaysia, asked listeners on her radio program to call to answer trivia questions. The first caller to give the correct answer would get a prize from the sponsor.

She asked: "Can anyone out there tell me the household name of Sodium Chloride"

A caller who is a housewife called up eager to answer the question. Not knowing the answer to the question, she asked Yasmin for a clue.

"Something you put on your husbands eggs in the morning." she said.

The lady confidently said: "Talcum powder".

Yasmin Yusof did not return to the air until after a few songs!

Credit/Sent By: Lynn Lynn; Malaysia (8 Mar 2008)

Why I fired my Secretary?

2008-05-11T16:25:00.008+07:00

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and
say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked...!!

Credit: Anonymous

The Husband Store

2008-05-11T12:27:00.003+07:00

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The hopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Credit/Thanks to: Gerardeu; Singapore.